Wheel in the sky keep on turning.

new poem

2011-02-14T21:45:00.000-08:00

The night is dark, the wind is cold
the arctic wind blasts about my shoulders
the path is gone, the snow is falling
I walk into the depths of night looking for answers

Fear grips my heart, I carry on
The night begins to close in
One by one they all do part
and the racks of pain begin

I walk across this bitter land
alone, afraid, cast aside
I drag my chains in bitter depths
dragged into the depths of snow by the chains to which I am tied

It's bitter cold pierces my skin
the chains I bear grow heavier
I watch in silent despair
as the weight in silence I do bear

With each step the depths bear down
I fear the endless snow
The endless night turns aside all followers
and through the night this pain I tow

I stare into the depths of paradise
Always creeping ever closer
but the goal is ever out of reach
and the chains drag me ever lower

I sink beneath the snow
under the endless blizzard
My hand reaches out in desperate cry
and each day the hope grows withered.

The search for the Self.

2010-05-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Wow, blogging twice in one day, it's a christmas miracle. Or some random holiday in May. A memorial day miracle I guess. Getting used to writing my thoughts in a written format seems unusual to say the least. That's kind of an unusual statement for a writer to be expression, but in the fiction format you reveal quite a bit about yourself, your beliefs, your hopes, views on the world etc. but revealing who YOU doesn't always happen. Then again, what makes a person who they really are? Ok, if I get off on that tangent, I'm going to be talking about it for another fifteen pages and that's not what I'm here today for.

So I was watching an episode of House and there seemed to be a moment that resonated with me. The episode where he was talking to his shrink and accused him of being a charlatan because going to shrink wasn't making him happy. I started thinking about that, and about my own pursuit of happiness. Recently a woman I used to care about got engaged to someone, and at first I thought I'd be crushed to hear that, but surprisingly I wasn't. It did however seem to take a mirror to my own life and make me wonder what I wanted. The main thing I want out of life is to be happy, but what really is happiness? What makes a person happy?

I know there's moments where I feel happy or content, cuddling with my cat, hanging out with my friends, but that's not a happy life, only happy moments. Happiness seems an ethereal idea, floating out of reach every time it's reached for. The moments in my life when I've seemed truly content are few and far between, mostly only reached when I've found a person who I was with romantically.

Which is an interesting thought. I've dated a few women, but the ones where I've been the happiest with weren't just people I dated, but people I viewed as equals, the other side of my proverbial coin. They were strong, able to stand on their own but willing to let others stand with them. Part of the problem is for some reason I've previously been attracted to people to where on some fundamental level I wanted to save them, protect them from their ills, but I've learned that is a poor basis for a relationship as when you do this the person tends to become reliant on you, not wanting to stand against there own problems. At least from my experience anyway.

A relationship can wait though. I can't expect anyone to look at me and see someone they want to be with until I can look at myself in the mirror and see the value there. It's coming though, with each day that passes, with each workout I do, each day I struggle through my diet, each time I turn aside the bad habits I've cultivated it's as though I feel another chain I've placed around myself get cast aside and another, newer, stronger me begin to emerge. I want to lose weight, I want to become stronger, be healthy and all of that, but that is not the goal, merely a step along the path. I want to meet the person under those chains, the man with the pride and courage to not let fear and bad habits rule who he is. A person who does not let his past or people who kept him down determine his future, but a person who commands his past, and trails his own way through the future.

Diet and excersize

2010-05-19T08:16:00.001-07:00

So started working out and eating healthy again. Been doing the biggest loser excersize dvd's which are a great workout. Week 0 so far so it's been rough. Trying to stay motivated to do it everyday, which can be rough. Needed to stay til 7 at work, so when I got home all I wanted to do was catch some z's. But managed to get over the laziness and do 30 minutes of intense (for me) cardio. Yay me.

One thing I have noticed is that of the two trainers on the dvd that I've seen so far, bob and someone named jilian (same people who are on the show for those that watch it, I don't as I am diametrically opposed to any and all reality tv.) is that Bob seems to be more empathetic, realizing that starting a workout routine is hard work, and the Jilian seems more focused, seeming to me more concerned with getting you from point A to Point B. But as she is hot I forgive the lack of empathy.

Thought I'd share my routine and diet for those who are interested. For excersize I wake up, do thirty minutes of cardio on MWF, and thirty minutes of body sculpting on TThS, walk twice around the building twice on both of my 15 minute break for a total of .8 miles, and walk 1.2 miles on my lunch break. For breakfast I have 1 can of V8 tomato juice (nasty as shit, but it has tomatoes in it which are good for you), one egg white omelet, some hash browns, and a glass of milk. At about 10 am I have a bottle of green tea, and for lunch I have a small bowl of healthy choice soup. At about 3 pm I have a small cup of Earl Grey tea and for dinner at about 6 I have a single chicken breast with some rice.

The reason for this particular diet is that I recently watched a speech by William Li about angiogenesis. For those not familiar with it, angiogenesis is physiological process involving the growth of new blood vessels from pre-existing vessels. This is used for cancer treatment and prevention because if new blood vessles are not created to provide tumors with blood, tumors are not able to grow and become malignant. An interesting thing is that this also work with fat cells. They did studies where they overfed a mouse, let it grow fat, fed it antiangiogenesis drugs, and it got thin, and once they removed the drug source it got fat again. Anyway the chemicals that hinder angiogenesis are found naturally in a number of foods, such as tomatoes, tea, most fruits, nutmegs, ginseng, etc. So since this might help, and because those kinds of foods are good for you in the first place, I've been incorporating those into my diet as much as I can.

2009-10-18T20:44:00.001-07:00

One of the hardest things in the world to do is to genuinely and meaningfully connect with another human being. For some reason, we all put up our own shields and armor, all of which keeps us from connecting with other people. We forget that we all share the same hopes, desires, wants and loves as everyone else. The end result is that we often walk alone through all of our struggles when we are surrounded by people who are at their core decent, kind, and loving.

Fear is the core of the problem. There's always the fear of being hurt. The people closest to us are also inflicting the greatest harm to us, and betrayal will cut a person deeper then the sharpest knife. I myself always remember the name and the face of the first person who caused me heartbreak, yet there are dozens not hundreds if not people who everyday do the simplest acts of kindness which make you smile and laugh.

If there's one piece of advice I can give, it's never fear a relationship ending. All relationships will eventually end, whether it's through a breakup or simply death. Our time on earth is fleeting enough without being able to connect with another person. The smile of a loved one's face, the special shine in their eyes, it is the most wonderful, beautiful experience in the world. I can remember all the loves in my life, Erin, Jen, Liz, Katie, and even though they all ended, and in some cases badly, I still look back at each of those and remember the blessed times I shared with all of them.

Getting used to going without that connection though is rough. Remembering when you spent every day talking, laughing and smiling with a person and going without it is a hard transition. Happiness however will come again, and every day the sun comes out and shines it's gentle light on the world.

Perspective

2009-09-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

So it seems these days that damn near everyone is miserable. Everyone wants a better job, people who are dating someone wonder why that someone hasn't proposed or what to date someone better, people who are single wonder why, so on and so forth. It seems these days it only takes minor things to send us spiraling into a depression. I'm not immune, the other day I was depressed because I was alone and didn't think that would change.

Well yesterday two friends and I were driving down to wal-mart, no concerns in our mind other then what snacks we wanted to get for the big football game. We were heading down to the parking lot when we saw a blind man who needed a hand heading down to the Cricket store. It ended up being closed and we drove him home. Along the way he told us his story. He was with the Rangers during Afghanistan, and was shot in the head which caused him to lose his sight. His wife left him because she didn't want to be with a disabled man, and he had five hundred dollars a month that he had to use to feed himself and his son on, not to mention pay rent, pay the bills, and so forth. There was on remarkable thing about the man though.

He was happy. Not just happy, but laughing and singing.

Here was a man who had every reason in the world to be miserable, in a situation far worse then most of us, and he still saw the beauty in the world, and was ecstatic over us simply doing him a favor and driving him five miles. I couldn't believe it. So go out and enjoy the beauty of the world around you. Meet a stranger and laugh with them. Because the next time you feel miserable remember this story and imagine what you would do in that situation.

Unnamed Poem

2009-09-21T22:02:00.000-07:00

Come silence of the night, come gentle rain
Wash the tarnish of my sins away
Bring the gentle light of the sun
whose warmth keeps my fear at bay

Come Autumn star, come shining beauty
The gentle star who shines gloriously from the east
Whose shining brilliance warms my soul
and whose radiance soothes the beast

Come dawning light, Come rising sun
Come the warmth of passion again
Whose light stretches out to embrace me
and whose joy cascades like rain

Come peace, come serenity
guide me to a place of faith and love
a gentle forest of tranquility
let my soul rise to the heavens like a dove

Come silence of the night, come gentle rain
wash the tarnish of my sins away

Shakespearian Literature

2009-09-18T15:36:00.001-07:00

“Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.”

Thought it would be best to start this blog with a quote because of what it was related to. Thanks to Brittany for supplying the idea for the blog.

Stories, in all their forms from the storyteller sitting around the campfire to the latest summer blockbuster, have defined what our society is from almost the very beginning. We tell tales about those who have done great things in our own desire to accomplish greatness, and we make stories up in a desire to let others share in our greatest imagination. Our scribes have become some of the most well known figures throughout history, from Homer to William Shakespere to even Spielberg.

But what makes up a good story? One of my favorites is Romeo and Juliet by the aforementioned Shakespeare. It is my favorite because not only does it describe love as one of the most noble emotions that man possess, and how it can raise us up to untold heights, in a strange dichotomy it shows how love can destroy a person, and the tragic nature of love in it's forms. It shows the young love of both Romeo and Juliet, and how it raises them up, but because of their own flawed nature and poor decisions, it lowers them to depths that neither believed capable of, leading both parties to end their lives in the name of their own misguided beliefs of love. Near the end of the play it appears that instead of holding love up as an ideal like others who write about romance, Shakespeare is mocking the two and others who believe in love along similar lines.

I hold this play up as a stellar example of storytelling because of how anyone can relate to it. While I thankfully do not know of anyone who has committed suicide because of love, I think nearly everyone has made poor decisions in the name of love. Especially in young love there is a nature of foolishness behind it that, even though it is obvious to others, is never considered by many head strong men and women. What is wise advice coming from many in the play, telling both romeo and juliet that what they are planning is ill advised, is echoed often in real life. Young men and women view their own love to be eternal, while they ignore the council of those who have been happily married for many years and know what real love is. Romeo and Juliet is not a celebration of romantic love as many believe, but rather a cautionary tale, warning us that romance must always be tempered by wisdom.

Culture and Religion

2009-09-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

One of the more interesting things that's happened recently is that a good friend of mine who is not christian was forces to take classes on the old and new testament. While I disagree with that fact, that is something for another day. It does actually raise a rather interesting viewpoint, namely being that of an outsider looking at the religion for reasons other than to simply crucify it for being the religion of blowhards such as Fred Phelps who is most definitely not a christian for reasons that I will explain in detail later.

One of the interesting facets of the bible is that of the portrayal of God and how it changes from the old testament and the new testament. One of the interesting about certain past civilizations is that the religions of a society reflect a society's values and growth. In the time that the old testament was believed to have been written, mankind was like a child. When a child misbehaves, explaining to it the long term consequences from sneaking cookies from the cabinet, and trying to explain in detail the effects of carbs, calories and their effect on the human body will most likely get you a blank stare from that child who will promptly try and disobey again. However if that child gets swatted on the backside when it tries to do it, it's able to equate it with a consequence that it's young brain is able to comprehend, disobeying equals pain. In both the old testament and the new, god is portrayed as a fatherly figure, and with how young humanity was it needed to be given concrete examples of what happens when it disobeyed. A king disobeyed god's commandments, and god smote them and gave their position to a successor, who was now fully aware of the consequences of their actions.

Around the time of the books of the new testament, mankind had evolved significantly. As such our portrayal of a god evolved as part of the process. The New testament portrays God as a sort of teacher. The fear of divine retribution for our actions had passed, and we were now interested in morality for the sake of knowing simply what was right and what was wrong. Great philisophers who had arisen at the time, Socrates, Plato, and others had become great thinkers for simply stopping and trying to figure out the nature of good and evil, and what that means in terms of the path a man or woman must walk. The New testament mirrors that form of enlightened image, with jesus and his apostles teaching morality in ways that were not as concrete and unwavering as simply saying "don't do this." Furthermore, they taught about compassion, tolerance, faith and understanding. As an example, instead of saying "If someone commits adultery, they must be put to death" as was done in the old testament, The new testament counters with the now famous phrase, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." The first one portrays god as a stern authoritarian, who commands absolute obedience, while the latter introduces that of forgiveness, that ethically you have to accept that people are inherently flawed and that you must be willing to offer compassion when your fellow man makes mistakes.

Modern society has evolved even further. We have progressed more the in past three decades then we have the past millennium. The problem with this is that because we have progressed so far so fast, the moral and ethical status of our society is in a constant flux, so to speak. In the past, a single society held one set of beliefs and held it dear. Now we are in a society that is a melting pot of new ideas and beliefs. Some people feel threatened by that, striking out at others who do not hold the same values. Let me come back to my original statement. People like Fred Phelps who hold themselves up as some sort of ultimate ethical and moral standard are most definitely not, despite their claims to the otherwise, Christians. The word Christian means follower of Christ, and what that means is following the values he taught, among that the phrase Judge not, least ye be judged. To be fair, it's not just those two who are doing it, although I sincerely hope to god it was so it'd be easier to deal with. Fundamentalists in general, who strike out at anyone who do not hold their own beliefs are actually violating the teachings they claim to follow. It's like believing that it's wrong to harm anybody, then shooting someone when they bump into you in the subway. It's people like this who paint all christians with the bible thumping, hypocritical brush that piss me off. The next time you say that anyone is going to hell for any reason, ask yourself one question. When exactly was the last time God descended from the heavens and said you alone were responsible for that decision? Mankind's views of morals and ethics are constantly changing and evolving, embrace that evolution and use it to better your own soul, don't languish in stagnation and call it enlightenment.

Hope

2009-09-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

So it seems to me these days that we are a nation of excuses. We want to be fit, but we don't have the time to hit the gym, don't know how to cook healthy foods, etc. We want to be loved, but so many people are terrified of rejection that they refuse to leave the comfort of the tv, computer etc. We want to have a good job, but that mind numbing soul crushing job we have pays the bills right now and who knows what else is out there. Just do what's safe, don't rock the boat, don't make waves, etc.

I can't be down on people too much for this, I used to be the same way. The problem is that if we don't ever put ourself out there, if we don't take risks, we end up stagnating, accomplish maybe a portion of what we are meant to. If we never take advantage of our gifts, then while we are working that minimum wage job at wal-mart, allowing it to crush our souls and burn us away when we can truly be great.

Strive for that mountaintop. You want to be fit? Then run, walk, laugh and play. Become an active person and put away the quick meals and the junk food. You want to be loved? Then love in return. Realize that in each person there is a wondrous light just waiting to be brought to the surface. Go looking for that light in others, and let them in enough to see yours. You want to have a good job? Then go to school, hit the books, network with people, and pursue your ambition and never let anything stop you.

Every day you hear about people who were raised in some of the most dismal conditions, and yet they managed to pick themselves up and accomplish some truly wonderful things. They're not unique, they simply had the courage and the strength of will necessary to pursue what they want. Join them. Shake off the bonds of fear you shackle yourself with, and let go of the chains of doubt. Show this world who you truly are, and never let anyone stand in your way.

Useless.

2009-09-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

I hate feeling useless. Whenever I see a problem, whether it's mine or a friend or family members, I like to face it head on, knock it out of the way so I can go on with the business of enjoying life and being happy. When a friend has a problem with an ex, I can give advice to them as to what they can do, or talk to said ex if necessary and get them to back off. If it's a problem with money, I can see what I can do to assist, so on and so forth.

The problem is when friends get sick. Long story made short, was just told that a person I'm friends with was diagnosed with cancer. There's nothing I can do with that except sit on the metaphorical sidelines and hope things get better. There is absolutely nothing I can do to help, and it makes me feel unbelievably useless to not be able to save the day so to speak. I know this is neurotic, but I'm not able to stop coming back to it, trying and fantasizing about being able to do something or anything to be able to make this situation better.

More as it develops.

Warmth of the sun

2009-07-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how certain songs can remind you of certain people and events in your life. The other day I was tinkering around online and I decided to download how to save a life by the Fray (side note: unbelievably awesome song by the way). The more I listened to it, the more I thought back about liz, the picture of her growing clearer with every verse.

I know what happened between us was not all her fault, no matter how hard I try to trick myself on my more bitter days. I thought she was a person to be saved, not someone to be appreciated for who they are. I've learned some small lesson from that, never convince yourself that you can save someone from a situation or their life, they have to learn how to save themself. All another person can do for someone is be a hand to hold them up, and try and lift them up, but they must make their way to the mountaintop themself.

Semi-pretentious statements aside, now that I've had time to reflect back on it without any of the anger, there really was a lot more of the good times then the bad. My favorite memory of her is when we were sitting outside the theater talking. I remember the sun hitting her just right, and her eyes shone like gold and her eyes flashed with happiness like emeralds in a deep ocean. I'll do everything I can to keep that memory close as I continue on this road called life.

Despite the fact that I said some rather uncharitable things to her the last time we talked, I don't hold any ill will towards her. I wish her nothing but happiness, peace and love, and may god smile on you every day of your life.

Quote of the day
I Picture You In The Sun
Wondering
What Went Wrong
And Falling Down On Your Knees
Asking For
Sympathy
And Being Caught In Between
All You Wish For
And All You Seen
And Trying To Find Anything
You Can Feel
That You Can Believe In

May God's Love Be With You
Always

Joseph Arthur - In the Sun

Past and Present

2009-07-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

So this weekend my friends and I went to the Ren fest. I was unbelievably awesome. We saw most of the standard acts, save for Ded Bob, which is no real big loss as I heard he's mostly doing topical humor involving 4chan and the like recently. Anyway, afterwards we went to chili's and hung out over there, spending about two hours making weird and possibly inappropriate jokes.

Life's been great lately. Earlier this year I was down in a deep funk, and couldn't think of a way to get over it. Not sure what caused the change, but thinking back on that moment, surrounded by my closest friends, surrounded by laughter and good food, I'm glad i've gotten over it. I honestly don't think I have ever been happier in my life. I have a roof over my head that I work hard for, I'm starting a project I have high hopes for, I've started to get in shape and passing each benchmark I create for myself with flying colors, and if I play my cards right, this time next year I'll be in great shape and be ready to leave for Cali to join the marines. Everything in my life seems to be falling into place.

Quote of the day
'Lo, there do I see
The line of my people
back to the beginning
'Lo do they call to me
They bid me take my place among them
In the halls of Valhalla
Where the brave
May live
Forever...

Love, life, and romance

2009-07-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

So recently I was poking around facebook, and I noticed one of my exes from high schools profile. Thinking of getting in touch with an old friend, I noticed that she was recently married and had kids. While when we broke up I did have a rather egotistical view that she would remain single as no other guy could compare to me, I have since grown up a little. I wish her absolutely nothing but the best, and she deserves every ounce of happiness the world can give her.

It did, however, raise a sort of mirror to myself. At the moment I am single because I have decided that before I am able to give of myself in a relationship, I must be able to know truly who I am and to improve myself to the point of where I am worthy of a relationship. This may sound like I am down on myself, but I truly and honestly believe that in order for you to love another person, you must be able to love yourself first. I am not there yet, although I am readily on my way.

It is interesting however that many of my friends from high school are now married and having kids. I am nowhere near the point in my life where I am ready for marriage, let alone kids, so a part of me wonders whether I am moving too slowly. Many people are moving onto great and exciting places in life, and I am just recently deciding what I want my life to be.

I do miss being in a relationship however. There are very few feelings in life like meeting a person and falling madly and hopelessly in love. Looking into the shining eyes of a woman and feeling that love beaming from her is one thing that makes you feel alive on a level that is truly wondrous to behold. Love can raise you to levels that you thought impossible. It makes you stronger, inspires you and has lead to may magnificent developments in mankind's history.

The last time I felt that way was quite a while ago however. Young love is exhilarating, however it is untainted by the trials and tribulations that come from a dysfunctional relationship. I was once told that we are always view the opposite sex from the perspective of the worst relationship we have ever been in. We look at potential relationships and gaze at them with trepidation, expecting to see in the flaws in our potential new mate that was in the last one. A very angry woman I dated once said "You are just like that bastard Josh!" This lead to two questions, namely what did I do, and who the hell was Josh?

We move on, however, and the wheel of life keeps turning. The key to life is not to expect the same faults in people that we have seen before, but to know that each person is a wondrous gift from god. Each person has the potential for such wonder and true generosity, kindness and heroism that to judge people by the faults and flaws of another person is to do them a grave injustice.

Starting post

2009-07-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to start a blog. I've decided to do this for a number of reasons, it helps organize my thoughts, keeping a journal helps prevent Alzheimer's, it helps family members keep in touch with my life, and it helps spread ideas which, in my humble opinion, is the highest purpose that the internet can serve. I used to have one on myspace, but myspace pissed me off. Maybe it's just the group of friends I had on myspace, but it eventually turned into a group of regurgitated surveys, chain letters, and misinformation. A blog can lead to the latter problem as well, so let me start off by saying that I am not an expert in any field. I might be considered a networking expert, although I doubt it, but even in that field I may be wrong. So in this blog I shall attempt to share my revelations, updates, and essays. If you like it, great. If you don't, I frankly don't care.

One thing that I have noticed recently is that we have a tendency to ignore people's humanity and common courtesy if we are not in person with them. The most prevelant example of this is the internet, and as this subject has been picked over by any number of thousands of people, I will attempt to not flaggelate the dead horse any longer. One thing I have noticed is that this also takes place over the phone. A good example is that the other day I was talking with tech support, trying to get them to send a tech down to fix their cabling job, and a friend I was talking
with told me that I had to be a jerk to them otherwisse they wouldn't do anything.

I work tech support, so I am on the other end of the howler monkey that is the dissatisfied customer more often then I care to admit, and people seem to ignore that they are talking to an actual human being. They will yell, curse at you, and hurl any number of insults at you that they would hesitate to do if they were facing a real person who could really punch them in the face. For some reason in our society this is considered necessary for us to get actual service. The problem is that service people are not humble chambermaids here only to humbly serve you, avoid interaction with the lumbering elite monarch as he inhales his flagon of mead, and retreats only to cling to the shadows until called again. We are people who are trying our best to accomplish a job for you. We have expertise you do not, so some respect is due to this relationship. We may tell you something you do not like. We do not do this because we get a sick sexual thrill out of denying you the internet, at least most of the time. We are doing that because to the best of our knowledge that is the best way to proceed. Some respect is due to that relationship. If you want to howl, rant, rave, and curse at us, then get off your ass and learn how to do it yourself.

More to come later, right now valhalla beckons me home.